Jake: Rowan – suppose I was to tell you I love you?
Rowan: Are you likely to tell me that, do you think?
Jake: Yeah…well I’d like to. But I’m not sure what you’d think about it.
Rowan: It’d be quite nice, really. Because then, I could tell you that I love you too.
Jake: Really? So you wouldn’t tell me unless I said it first?
Rowan: Probably not because I wouldn’t be sure how you’d feel about it.
Jake: Well, it would make me feel very happy.
Rowan: Okay, well, you tell me, and then I can tell you.
Jake: You wouldn’t think I was rushing in too quick?
Rowan: No quicker than I am, I suppose.
Jake: Good – that’s good…
Rowan: Well? Are you going to tell me then?
Jake: I didn’t mean I was going to do it straight away – I thought I might tell you next Tuesday!
Rowan: Stop being weird and tell me!
Jake: No, I’ll tell you Tuesday –oh no don’t tickle me –
Rowan: TELL me!
Jake: Oh don’t – stop it! – you’re not playing fair –
Rowan: Nor are you!
Rowan: Give up?
Jake: Yeah…but I don’t know if it counts if I tell you I love you now, when you just tortured me…
Jake: I do, though – I do love you.
Rowan: I know you do – and I love you too, and to prove it, I’m going to let you make me a nice cup of tea.
Rowan: Jake – what’s in these boxes?
Jake: Oh – it’s – it’s just stuff from when I moved in – you never unpack everything, do you?
Rowan: Well, it’s only couple of small boxes – I’ll help you sort them if you like.
Jake: No it’s okay, leave it.
Rowan: It won’t take long –
Jake: Rowan, please – just leave it!
Rowan: Okay, okay – no need to get stressed about it.
Jake: I’m not!
Rowan: You ARE! You’re all tensed up. What on earth is the matter? I’m not trying to go poking round in your private stuff.
Jake: I know – I’m sorry, Ro. It’s not stuff that I don’t want you to see, it’s just things I can’t bear to look at.
Rowan: Jake, if there’s a whole pile of things there that are making you feel bad, I don’t think it’s the best idea to have it sitting in the corner of your bedroom, is it? No wonder you don’t sleep. Why don’t you just put it all in the loft? Or better still, throw it all out!
Jake: No – it’s photos and things that I want to keep; I just don’t think I can handle looking at them yet.
Rowan: Photos of your mum and dad….? Oh god – you haven’t got their ashes in there have you – ?
Jake: No!
Rowan: Sorry…when you first mentioned them, you didn’t really want to say very much. You said you’d tell me all about them one day.
Jake: I thought it would get easier; but it just gets harder and harder.
Rowan: Look – I don’t want to force you into anything, but it just seems to me that you need to talk about them, even if it’s painful. Then it will start to feel better. You don’t have to talk to me, if you’d rather not, but you have to find someone….
Jake: No; I want to tell you. And I know I need to sort out the photos and stuff – I’d really like it if you would help me.
Rowan: Of course I’ll help. I want to.
A little later…
Jake: She hadn’t been well for a while, and they did tests – then they gave her three weeks. But it was only a week…I wanted Dad to move in with me, but he wouldn’t, he said he’d be ok. So I went round there every day. But two weeks later, I went round and he was still in bed, and – they said it was a massive heart attack, he wouldn’t really have known anything.
Rowan: I’m sure he wouldn’t have – but what a shock for you.
Jake: If I’d been there –
Rowan: You probably couldn’t have done anything.
Jake: There was so much to deal with, and there was no-one…
Rowan: No other family or friends to help?
Jake: No other family – no real friends either, it turned out. There were people at the club who I thought were friends, but it was all going wrong at there too. I wasn’t there much to keep an eye on things…people took advantage.
Jake: I got things sorted but it felt like it was all spoiled, you know? I’d always tried to make it a safe place to be, just somewhere for people to enjoy themselves, and the minute I couldn’t be there to keep it that way…and it wasn’t like I didn’t want to be there, I just wasn’t able to. It wasn’t like I’d gone off on holiday and left it – and they knew why I wasn’t there and still they screwed me. I didn’t want to be there anymore.
Rowan: It must have felt like you’d lost everything.
Jake: Yes…I just thought moving away would be for the best. And I’m glad I came here, I really am, but – I don’t know. Sometimes it just feels like a thin coat over the surface. That sounds like I’m dismissing everything I’ve got now, doesn’t it? And I don’t mean to.
Rowan: Maybe it’s just that so many things changed so quickly. It wasn’t the best time to be making big life-changing decisions, especially if you had no-one to talk to.
Jake: I think it will be better, now I’ve told you. And if I hadn’t moved here, I wouldn’t have met you…I really did mean it when I said I love you, Rowan.
Rowan: Oh Jake – I don’t feel like I can give you a big enough hug…
Jake: It feels like just the right size to me.
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